PUTTING THE ‘STUD’ IN STUDY

By Truth or Derrick

 

Truth or Derrick is having a senior moment.

 

Yes, your “master of senioritis” columnist is now a big, bad, hairy senior.  That means big, bad, hairy trouble for all you underclassmen, and considering the freshmen this year are more numerous than all the calories in a cheese log truck, simply reading this column puts the odds against you.

 

I’m saying goodbye to my innocent nice-guy rep once and for all and saying hello to the new, improved, hairier, “Truth or Derrick: The Senior Discount.”

 

No one try to stop me either.  When we teens get decisive — which, luckily, isn’t very often — we can become pretty dangerous.

We all know that the biggest part, the real kicker of the senior year, is the senior project. But before I get into that, I must do my part in fulfilling the real duty of the “senior,” which is to sadistically dehumanize the freshmen population.

 

Freshmen are easy to recognize; they’ll remind you of little ants carrying backpacks five times their own body weight.  For all you statistics nuts out there (and I know there are many of you), I recommend, for a fun weekend, graphing the relationship between the size of the high school student and his backpack.  It’s quite a rush.  The smaller they are, the bigger their list of things they “need” — pencils for each color of the rainbow, a binder, a notebook and roll of tape for each class and a flashlight.

 

There comes a time one morning when the student wakes up to realize the overriding lesson of high school: how to do as little work as possible in order to get by.  Soon, the student’s backpack becomes smaller than his own attention span.

 

Speaking of attention span, let us get back to the point.  I am proud to announce the topic of my senior project this year.  It happens to be the project beyond all projects, the illegitimate child that would come if the Apex of Learning and the zingy seasoning of a Wendy’s salad conceived — I, Truth or Derrick, am going to get a girlfriend.

 

That’s right ladies, and sign ups start today if you’re interested in being a part of this groundbreaking analysis.  Many teenagers try to juggle school and work and pursue a relationship — but no one has ever studied it.

 

I’m out to answer all the questions, namely, “How does one act on a date?” “How do girls respond to cheap compliments?” “When is it OK to start kissing?” and, for you guys, a special sub-paper, “Why She Doesn’t Think I’m Being Sincere and How to Convince Her.”

 

I would chart everything.  First off, I’d record the time, date and surroundings of our first “romantic encounter.”  The chronic testosterone-driven forgetfulness makes a notebook and pen absolutely vital.  After jotting down a few small details, I’ll review them often. Then, several months later, I’ll mention to her how fun it was when so-and-so happened, or how cute she was when she said what-she-said.  I’ll use my notebook again by taking significant notes on her reaction.

 

Then, I’ll give myself a score, on a scale of 1-9, as to what kind of positive reaction I conjured up.  If she smiles, I’ll give myself a three.  If she laughs, looks longingly into my eyes and smiles, I’ll give myself a four.  And so on.

 

Baffling just doesn’t describe how it is that no one has yet made a senior project study of teenage relationships.  I bet half the people who participate in the project have a “significant other,” and the other half can be seen displaying themselves in the halls every day with different partners each six minute break.  It just makes sense to do an in-depth study of something so many kids deal with.  I mean, should the tiny child, who is still unscathed by the world, take down his lemonade stand just because everyone has already tasted lemonade?

 

I say “no,” and I’m sure there are plenty of you chicas out there who’d agree.  So what about it, folks?  Who wants to be my one true guinea-pig girlfriend?  Don’t make me turn this into a reality show.  But know this: I’ll do what I have to.

 

I’ll make it worth your while, all you Aphrodites of the Creek. If I get an A on the project, I guarantee another year of dating me.  Think of it as motivation.  Go ahead and send me a fe-mail if you’re interested.  Who knows, maybe we can fall in love or something.  I’m game.

 

Yeah, you might say I’m pretty jazzed about this getting a girl for my senior project thing.  I just hope they let me.  Sigh, they probably won’t … the topic’s supposed to be a learning stretch.