PUCKER UP

By Truth or Derrick

 

Attention ladies: your favorite “master of octinoxate” columnist has never been more kissable.

 

Of all the benefits of taking Accutane, the “miracle drug,” there is one that stands above the rest by far.  It’s not the abdomen, bone and muscle problems.  It’s not the hearing and vision loss.  It’s not the regular blood tests or even the feelings of depression, worthlessness and psychotic spurts.

 

It’s the Chap Stick.

 

Since I’ve been on Accutane, I’ve bought and used more tubes of Chap Stick than all of my sisters have in their lives put together because the drug makes you dry from head to toe.  I’m in the process of opening up a Walgreen’s.

 

But I haven’t always been this way.  Sure, it’s always been intriguing to me, the delicious-smelling butter-like substance that girls always put on before going somewhere, while they’re there and then later on when they’re sleeping.  But now my appreciation for the stuff has grown, and I owe it all to Accutane.

 

It all started at the dermatologist’s office, like most things.  He said, “Son, you have severe nodular acne.”  I was taken aback.

 

“Uh…I have what?”

 

At first, I didn’t fully comprehend the severe nodularness of my acne, but in order to take Accutane my nodular acne had to be at its severest, so I decided that it was worth it to pretend like I had the severe kind for a shot at some depression and psychotic spurts.

 

As it turns out, my nodular acne was severe, and I still remember the first time I looked in the mirror and thought I was looking at a pizza.

 

Readers may be wondering: What is Accutane, and where can I get some?

 

The answers to both questions are simple: a concentrated form of Vitamin E, and I can hook you up for a small reasonable price.

 

Just kidding to one of those.  Accutane is a concentrated form of Vitamin A.  It’s basically an overdose of simple Vitamin A pills you can get at that smelly place in the mall.  Overdosing on those pills would basically do the same thing as Accutane because it would suck all the moisture out of your entire body. Except Accutane doesn’t kill you by shrinking your liver like a carcass in the sun.

 

Well, usually.  That’s what the blood tests are for; to make sure my liver is still storing, digesting, regulating and producing.  At publication time, so far so good, but maybe it’ll pick up — that’s what makes Accutane such an exciting drug.

 

But back to the Chap Stick.

 

Did you know there are more brands of Chap Stick than just Chap Stick?  Blistex, Hawaiian Tropic, Natural Ice and even Neutrogena to name a few, and there are millions being made every day.  Maybe celebrities will start coming out with their own chains of Chap Stick soon.  Coming soon: Lindsey-“luscious-lips”-Lohan-Stick or Hugh Grant’s British line of Chap Stick (slogan: “For chaps who are chapped!).  Or the Julia Roberts Stick: each tube will have twice as much balm (for lips twice as big).

 

But maybe not.  No celebrity will ever match the original brand.  The Chap Stick-brand LipMoisturizer SPF 15 Skin Protectant/Sunscreen Conditioning Lip Balm is one of those Chap Sticks you can’t leave home without.

 

Even more powerful than the original Chap Stick, which smells bad and burns your lips, this kind makes your lips feel like you’ve given them a pool party for their sweet sixteenth.  The moisture splashes onto your lips with the perfect blend of iciness from the wetness and warmth from your pocket.  It’ll make your date say, “What are you doing to your lips these days?”  It has made my dry life drenched with pure excitement and liquid joy.

 

It’s true: I’m falling in severe nodular love with Chap Stick.  Maybe someday I’ll have more tubes than Wal-Mart herself.  Maybe I’ll even create my own chain of lip balm like “DerrickLips” or “Slap Stick.”

 

Or maybe it’s just the psychotic spurts kicking in.