OPERATION: PINK BOOK ROUGH DRAFT

By (regrettably) Truth or Derrick

 

Once upon a time, in the 1960s, there lived a duck named Errol. He was a happy duck, but one day it occurred to him that some of the ducks had different opinions than he did about such topics as when to cross the street, the best way to catch things in the water, and which of the bread crumbs thrown at you by children were safe to eat.

 

Errol didn't know why he they had different opinions than he did, so he got a bunch of friends together and made signs that said things like, "No way" and went over to Berkley to protest the Vietnam War.

 

This enraged a number of animal rights activists and as a natural result, created absolute chaos within the liberal American duck population.

 

All this war stuff is not limited to ducks. As a matter of fact, a similar protest is brewing in regards to our recent national debate, Iraq.

 

Many of you probably didn't know that a country could be turned from a country into a debate by a completely other country. I remind you, however, of the Pink Book.

 

Now there is an example of a perfectly good novel that can be completely altered so that its use morphs into any ominous plot that can be conceived by the sinister mind.

 

Ok, I take it back. The Pink Book is not a novel, it's a sex education children's book.

 

Some of the more cynical readers may think I'm writing about sex education children's books to sneak in little advertisements for companies while I write. While I will not argue with the refreshing taste of icy cool Coca Cola-brand softly kissing my lips and dancing with my taste buds, as it slides wordlessly down my dry, Sahara throat, I actually have a real reason for writing about sex education children's books.

 

Anyway the Pink Book is a little book that supposedly can help the befuddled parent through that "talk," and it does a darn good job, if you ask me.

 

But why would you ask me? Well, when I was young, my parents read me...the Pink Book. I thought it was nice, so nice that I still call it the Pink Book, not like the Cotton Candy Book (don't get me wrong, I love cotton candy, but sometimes you just need something better, you know? Like a Coke).

 

But the point is, over the years, the Pink Book has left the realm of educational family fun, and into the realm of weapon.

 

Yes weapon. I've been noticing a lot that when my family meets, a second helping of this Pink Book is often a suggested punishment, which is always a prelude to a unanimous Clements Family Giggle.

 

Why?

 

The answer is clear. Somehow in the process of becoming a part of my and my sibling's lives, a neurological cord was struck, which leads me to a rather frightening thought: What if the Pink Book got into the wrong hands? Everyone who has ever read it would probably become slaves or whatever evil people do with a sudden burst of surplus power over other human beings.

 

Now let me briefly discuss education. The fact is, this world is not getting educated. I mean, many people can't read or write, or speak, or sleep, or eat, or work, or effectively use polysyndetons. What are we going to do about that?

 

What are we going to do about Errol? I mean, this whole protest thing doesn't work well with the whole American Dream of shutting up and keeping to yourself. Besides, protests use both ink and wood, both of which are a failing resource.

 

So again, what are we going to do about it all?

 

The Pink Book. Not only can we mass produce them so there's like a million, we can fly them in our airplanes and drop them all on the Middle East. People'll go outside and read them (they'll first be pulled in by the brilliant pink color, like a refreshing Cherry Coke). If they can't read English, we'll send down tape recorders with the audio version [equipped with balloons, of course, for easy landing]). Immediately after they read them, the neurological process begins.

 

Soon we not only avoid war, but we as a country will probably get lots of free oil. But the best part is it's peaceful! No protests and no violence. We can end protests and violence...and educate millions while we're at it.

 

One thing is for sure: the Pink Book can solve many of life's big problems so I say we should publish more copies of it. But we need to make sure that we have the right name. I think it has a regular name, like "Babies" or "Why I'm Related to Daddy" or something.

 

But to me, it will always be...The Pink Book.