OPERATION: PINK BOOK

By Truth or Derrick

 

It has been said that the things you learn when you're young have a lasting effect on the rest of your life.

 

I was thinking about that, and trying to remember some of the truly epic things I learned when I was little so I might see how it has molded the person I am today, and I couldn't help but think of the one event that probably shaped my future the most: when my parents read me the Pink Book.

 

For those of you who don't know, the Pink Book is one of those books that all families should own. It has been known to save the befuddled parent in their most climactic struggle in parenting: "the talk."

 

Let me remind you: the Pink Book is not your average sex education children's book. Published in 1949, this is the one that "parents, clergymen and children," to quote the book's back cover, hail as "about the best book of its kind."

 

Some of the more cynical readers may think I'm writing about sex education children's books to grasp readers' attention so I can sneak in little advertisements for companies while I write. While I will not argue with the refreshing taste of icy cool Coca Cola-brand softly kissing my lips and dancing with my taste buds as it slides wordlessly down my dry, Sahara throat, I actually have a real reason for writing about sex education children's books: not only do they educate young people, they are the perfect solution to the war against terrorism.

 

You see, the magical thing about the Pink Book is that it can also be used as a weapon in today's society. Ever since the 1950s, conversations about sex were a guaranteed way to break apart a crowd of people.

 

I know all this because the Pink Book is the one that my parents read me. I thought it was nice; so nice that I still call it the Pink Book, not like the Cotton Candy Book (don't get me wrong, I love cotton candy, but sometimes you just need something better, you know? Like a Sprite).

 

But the point is, I've been noticing that when my family meets, a second helping of this Pink Book is often a suggested punishment.

 

For instance, "Derrick, take out the trash."

 

"Aw, Mom, do I have to?"

 

"Derrick, don't make me break out the Pink Book!"

 

"Ok, Mom, you don't need to get all sour about it."

 

This idea of a punishment is always a prelude to a unanimous Family Giggle, but it still strikes a cord of fear.

 

Why?

 

The answer is clear. Sex is a scary subject, especially to someone that was introduced to it by a softly colored book.

 

We could use this idea in the war against terrorism. First we'd mass-produce like a million copies of our Pink Book, and fly them in our airplanes and drop them all on the Middle East. People'll go outside and read them (they'll first be pulled in by the brilliant pink color, like a refreshing Cherry Coke). If they can't read English, we'll send down tape recorders with the audio version (equipped with balloons, of course, for easy landing).

 

Anyway, they'll all read it, and immediately after the folks in Baghdad read it, if they're anything like America, they'll all scatter, temporarily out of order, and we can sneak in, inspect the weapons, maybe get a few gallons of oil, and leave.

 

This idea may or may not really work, but if the kid on those Dell commercials can get an actual spot on TV, anything is worth a try.

 

One thing is for sure: the Pink Book can solve many of life's big problems so I say we should publish more copies of it. But we need to make sure that it has the right name. I think it has a regular name, like "Babies" or "Why I'm Related to Daddy" or something.

 

But to me, it will always be...The Pink Book.