WHAT EXACTLY ARE THOSE PINK DOTS?

By Truth or Derrick

 

There are a couple of things I don’t understand about men.

 

I’m not talking about how we use our brain over our heart. I’m not talking about how we use our stomach over our brain. I’m talking about different parts of the body.

 

I’m talking about the mysterious pink dots fastening each of our masculine pecks to our strong, brawny chests.

 

Why do we have them, anyway? I bet a really good scientific reason is out there. After all, weren’t we all taught in our seventh grade Contraceptive Education classes that the human body is like the Native American buffalo — every part has a purpose and should not go wasted?

 

Yet every scientist I talk to about it just looks at me baffled. They keep telling me they’ll “hypothesize on it” and conduct “experiments,” but I still haven’t heard from them, and I admit I’m a little worried about the sound of those “experiments.”

 

Well, I’m sick of waiting for an answer. It’s time, once and for all, to dig in and prune the curiosity tree myself. So with the shears of determination and the chain saw of ingenuity on my side, I will now make my own hypotheses to answer the questions that have baffled mankind for ages: “Why Do Men Have Them?” and “Why Do Men Need Them?”

 

REASON #1

 

Perhaps they are nature’s practice targets to hone our gender-important archery skills. I think a game like that would be wildly enjoyable. Of course, the arrows couldn’t be real — that might get a little dangerous. But whatever the arrows are made of — and I think marshmallows would be best — who could ask for better practice targets?

 

Game play would be simple; a guy and his buddy could take turns lifting their shirts while the other one fires away. Not only would the game provide hours of safe fun, it would also be much easier to play than regular archery. Ask any archer — when targets are missed, the errors are always only slightly to the left or the right. Nature’s bulls’ eyes account for that. If you miss on the one you are shooting for, you will probably hit the other one!

 

REASON #2

 

Maybe they are self-destruct buttons. I mean, I admit it seems a little silly for nature to equip all men with buttons that can, when pressed, make them blow up, but no one thinks twice about all mankind coming equipped with similar emotional buttons — hey, at least physical ones would be easier for other people to avoid.

 

REASON #3

 

Then, of course, the most obvious reason of all: if we didn’t have them, how could we impress the ladies by making our beloved torso-faces? Some lucky men even get beards on their torso-faces. I wouldn’t want to see a bearded torso-face if it didn’t have any eyes — the charm would be sucked right out of it. Without the eyes, a bearded torso face would be more like … a bearded stomach.

 

SCIENTIFIC WRAP-UP

 

Ok, now I already know that some of you science-skeptic readers out there will hastily reject my reasons for “why men have them.” The same thing happened to Galileo. But honestly, men, don’t try to hide your interest in the subject — if there were any of you out there who has not before dwelled on the origins and purposes of yours in a fleeting moment of naked contemplation, your time would have come eventually.

 

Don’t reject science completely. The question I present today is more critical than you might think. If it didn’t hold significance, I would say that it’s just one of those life questions meant to be unanswered.

 

But I’ve seen enough tragically confused toddler boys trying to nurse their stuffed teddy bears to know that some answers need to be found, and fast.

 

Enough is enough.