HOW TO BE A RAPPER…IN FOUR EASY STEPS!

By Truth or Derrick

 

Today's lesson: how to be a rapper.

 

The following column is your friendly step-by-step guide to being a rapper, compiled by me, your friendly step-by-step, "master of rap" columnist. If you've always wanted to be a famous rapper but have never been able to get onto one of those reality TV shows, this is the column for you.

 

Step #1. Get a nickname.

 

First of all, to be a successful rapper, you must have a nickname. Warning: not all nicknames are good ones. For example, a person named "Isabelle Rackensmith" shouldn't go out and get a nickname like "Red Man" and expect to be a successful rapper. Unless you have a good nickname, and I mean really good, like "Dr. Phil," you have to follow the formula: take the first letter of your first name, insert a hyphen and plug in either the first part of your last name (J-Lo) or just a funny word (P-Diddy and Jay-Z).

 

Readers may be thinking: "That's stupid. 'Isabelle Rackensmith' is a fine name. It doesn't need any 'cool' changes." To those readers, I say, have you ever heard of Isabelle Rackensmith? Didn't think so. Isabelle Rackensmith doesn't have a nickname. What have you heard of? "I-Rack." You thought it was a country? It's the rapper nickname of Isabelle Rackensmith.

 

Step #2. Go to jail.

 

The next step is best illustrated by "house-rules" Monopoly.

 

As you, the rappers of the future, well know concerning Monopoly house rules, "Jail" is ten spaces before "Free Parking." If you land there, you get "jackpot," or the money that the other players have had to pay for fees and taxes. You only get one chance to hit "free parking" every time you go around the 26 spaces. However, every time you're in jail, you're only ten spaces away from "Free Parking." In other words, jail gives you a better chance at the jackpot if you can bail yourself out.

 

The world of rap follows the same philosophy, if you get my drift. If you're a rapper, and you break the law, or something, you go to jail, making breaking news on "Entertainment Tonight" and "Extra." It's easy publicity. Then, all you need to do is bail yourself out, or get a really good lawyer, and in the end, you'll be a free citizen again - with lots more fans.

 

Step #3. Get a clothing line.

 

From J-Lo to P-Diddy to Kathy Lee Gifford, all the hot celebrities these days are doing one thing: coming out with their own clothing line. Some readers may think that coming out with a clothing line is formidable. But in reality, readers don't need to get scared. Using "formidable" in a sentence is a much more daunting ambition. Clothing lines are very simple things. All you need to do is take a shirt worth no more than $5, write your name on it, put it through a shredder, and sell it for $50. Then, sign a deal with someone who sells over-priced shirts, like, say, Wal-Mart, and wait for those innocent children to come into the store after watching MTV - and receiving their allowance. Clothing lines have worked for rappers, and other celebrities, in the past, and it's a sure way to win fans.

 

Warning: just because you have a good nickname doesn't mean you'll have a good clothing line. I mean, can you imagine if Dr. Phil had a clothing line? There'd be so many more brown suits in the world; the Men's Warehouse wouldn't even know what hit it.

 

Step #4. Become a talented musician/lyricist.

 

As we all know, there really is no Step #4 in this step-by-step guide to becoming a rapper. If there were a fourth step, however, it would be to be naturally talented, but this step is so often overlooked in the real world of rap, there's no need to sweat it. As long as you have faith in yourself and put enough obscenities in your first album to get a "parental advisory" on your CD, you'll eventually build up a fan-base.

 

And if that doesn't work, there's always reality TV shows.