TO GIVE OR NOT TO GIVE?

By Truth or Derrick

 

“Hey, Reader, can I have a dollar?”

 

Stop! Don’t answer quite yet; the question is trickier than you think. It’s a question that completely spits in the face of normal American business strategy. It’s a question that has baffled change-carrying mankind for ages.

 

The first recorded time of this question being asked goes back to the Stone Age. Cavemen #1 walked up to Caveman #2 and leered at his wealth of possessions — which, for cavemen, meant a club and a mate.

 

You can just imagine Caveman #2’s gut-wrenching dilemma. As he looked at his club, looked at his mate and then looked at the poor stranger, dirty and ragged, Caveman #2 couldn’t help but be touched by that pure human quality called Goodness.

 

Yes, people were exploiting human Goodness back then too.

 

Now, instead asking for property, people are asking for money. This is good for the receiver because, unlike clubs or mates, money can be used to purchase what they really need, like barley (in both bread and drink form).

 

Cash donations are good for the giver, too, because money is simple. It’s like giving a gift certificate to a semi-friend on their birthday — the fuzzy feeling of Goodness comes, even though you didn’t do anything that required too much thought.

 

The other day, I was walking home from school alone when a large boy approached me with this same dilemma. He and his buddies were engulfed in a cloud of smoke — he had “drug dealer” written all over him. I probably could have gotten high by rolling up and inhaling the pants he was wearing.

 

As our paths crossed, he asked me that shattering question: “Hey, can I have a dollar?”

 

The single road on which I was walking suddenly shook and divided asunder within the confines of my imagination, and I found myself standing right at the very fork of fate. I jerked my head to the right and saw a tiny angel-like person playing a harp on my shoulder.

 

“Give him the dollar,” said the angel, who looked a lot like this hot girl from one of my classes. “Do not judge him for what he will do with the money, just show genuine charity.”

 

Next thing I know, my left shoulder gets stabbed with what feels like a burning-hot needle. A little devilish creature that looks vaguely like my fourth grade teacher — but completely red and holding a fiery fork — is standing on my other shoulder.

 

“Don’t give him anything!” he shouted at me, his face turning an even deeper red. “Do you want to help fund gang bangers? If you give him that dollar, he’ll buy drugs, ruining the streets, forcing honest, Oprah-watching Republican women out of their homes faster than you can say ‘rehab!’”

 

Well, at that the girl on my right couldn’t hold it in. She started yelling that maybe this guy had a family to feed. I was beginning to feel a little lightheaded as we deliberated in this smoky cloud.

 

I sort of agreed with the teacher, but in an effort to impress the girl I gave this kid a dollar. He looked surprised. Then, his eyes fixed on me, and I could see him burning my image onto his memory, like a pigeon after throwing down a breadcrumb, and I could sense a thousand more like him fast approaching.

 

So I quickened my pace. After a few minutes of being out of the smoky cloud, the creatures on my shoulders seemed to fade, which made me sort of mad, because I thought I really had a chance with the good one.

 

But the point is: the whole ordeal really got me thinking. Had I done the right thing?

 

Now, you readers must decide what the right thing is for you. Are you going to give me a dollar? Hurry, stop thinking. Time is money, and if you don’t decide in a timely fashion, well, you’ve already decided haven’t you?

 

Maybe you want me to earn it by finally answering the age-old question of what to do when someone asks for money. I’m sorry to report that no right answer really exists.

 

I wish I could give you more, but the only advice I have is to think it over individually, in a quiet moment of deep self-reflection. Take a hard, honest look at your own finances. Answer logically and economically, but also with a sincere love for all mankind. Maybe attend a synagogue, mosque or church for a religious view.

 

Be sure to add to the collection plate.