CONFESSIONS OF A DO-SI-DO DROPOUT

By Truth or Derrick

 

Americans know that staying healthy should be effortless.

 

We aspire to do everything without doing anything; it’s the American way. And if any dieting goal looks like it will involve the actual movement of our bodies, we bail and sometimes we sue McDonalds. But we must be keen and suspicious, because exercise can take many deceiving forms, sometimes even in the form of a public school P.E. class.  I’ve been escaping that kind of exercise my whole life.

 

Until now.

 

And now, I’m a senior taking two periods of P.E.  I shamefully didn’t quite make it to the finish line.  I am, though, becoming — if I do say so myself — quite an expert at the do-si-do.  I’m sure there are some ladies in both of my classes who will agree.

 

Exercise has been a nasty thing even before Atkins had his breakthrough health discovery (which, contrary to popular belief, really occurred moments before he died of a heart attack), but let’s face it. We really can’t keep running from exercise. It’s just too much of an oxymoron.

 

That’s why I’m here to tell you about a great deal KFC and Pizza Hut are offering now.  They are offering you, their beloved American food-goer, a chance to work off those extra pounds.  But act now, the deal ends February 1.

 

Here’s the deal: when you purchase an order at KFC or Pizza Hut, you will be given a free month’s membership at any of Bally Total Fitness’ 400 health clubs around the nation.  And trust me, you’re getting a deal; a whole month is plenty of time to work off the ice cubes from the drink that came with the meal you bought to get that free membership.

 

This amazing deal got me to thinking. Of all people to finally cave and say exercise is a good thing, how did fast food chains beat me?

 

Seriously, how did I avoid P.E. for three years?  Discounting the fact that, well, I was ardently trying to, why wasn’t I caught?  Surely there must be someone to blame in all this mess.  Where was my counselor?  What is she paid for anyway?  I hear she just sits in her office all day talking to parents about their children’s safety.  I needed her guidance beyond all else, and she expects me to be self-driven enough to graduate without her shoving green slips down my throat.

 

But she’s a nice lady, and I don’t want to let it slip that she didn’t do her job.  And when push comes to shove, beloved readers, it is obvious that there truly is but one person whom I can honestly blame. 

 

When I really look inside myself in quiet reflection, it becomes obvious that that one person is … you.  If I hadn’t, as a freshman, snuck into the elective classes that I did, you wouldn’t be reading this column right now.

 

That’s right, I did it all for you.  But let me just tell all the freshmen who might be reading this, don’t be like me.  Don’t waste your first three years of high school studying hard and challenging yourself by taking classes that actually affect your academic GPA.  Go the way of the normal kid and get yourself into P.E.  Even kids who think they can get into college two years early if they can just take their own classes need a high school diploma.

 

After all, how can high schools let a student out into the real world without teaching them the skills they need to know in order to live a normal life — especially how to do-si-do?

 

In truth, though, I know that even though there is wisdom in the beaten path, there will always be those great American freshmen of my own blood who choose to stick it to the man and refuse to exercise at all — even to graduate.  While society will force me to hate them, I will inwardly respect them, a bond of laziness between us never to be broken.  Maybe someday I will gather all those anti-exercise brothers of mine and we’ll all go sue McDonalds or something.

 

But on second thought, no. That would require getting up.