CALLING ALL ROUND YOUNG VIRGINS

By Truth or Derrick

 

Would you like glorious eggshells in mayo with your little town of Bethle-ham?

 

Every year, when the holiday season comes upon us (like, around Easter), turning on the radio can sometimes make you think you're in one of those holiday sci-fi movies where red-and-green aliens have taken over the radio waves so no matter how much you change the station it's always the same.

 

And every year, as we habitually keep turning the dial to our favorite stations, we sit through commercials with cheap jingles just to find that our favorite station has been infiltrated by more cheap jingles and a few other less-cheap jingles which we call...classic Christmas carols.

 

And for the rest of the day we go about our business, humming to ourselves those classic tunes. We usually don't get all the words exactly, but it's close, right?

 

Wrong.

 

This holiday season, your favorite "master of carol" columnist is taking it upon himself to stop all blasphemous annihilations of those beloved Christmas classics.

 

First of all, I'm sick of people jollily belting the choruses of songs to which they don't have a clue as to the words of the verses. Case in point: "The First Noel."

 

The first Noel, the angel did say,

Something something something something to stay...

NOEL! NOEL! NOEL! NOEL!

 

Another example is "Angels We Have Heard On High." No on knows the words to the four verses, but when it comes time, no one fails to cry out the "GLOOO-OO-Oo-oooo-OOO-OoO-o-RIA, in eggshells in dayo" part.

 

Now at this point, you may be wondering: Why, Truth or Derrick, are you so ardently against these simple, common mistakes of Christmas lyrics?

 

While I could argue that those "mistakes" are more like "butcheries," there is another big reason that goes back to the alien thing.

 

We at "The Bruin Voice" have received intelligence that it is the entire strategic plan of the red and green aliens to swamp the radio waves with the same carols, get the tunes stuck in our heads, and have us all singing all the wrong lyrics. They don't want us to sing the correct lyrics, of course, because the correct lyrics contain secret codes which, when spoken directly to their faces, leads to their ultimate destruction.

 

In other words, it's not your fault.

 

But aside from the fact that its continuation might result in the world being taken over by evil festive creatures, I am trying to stamp out mis-sung Christmas lyrics for one reason and one reason only: it's my duty.

 

I mean, I'm sure German "Silent Night" lyricist Josef Mohr has turned over in his grave so many times over butcheries of that song such as "Round, young version of mother and child," when the real words are "Round yon virgin" that he has become the German cemetery's cadaverous roto-tiller.

 

It's not clear what "round yon virgin" means, but Mohr definitely was not trying to suggest that anybody should "drown young virgins" either.

 

Let me make something absolutely clear: if any of you out there are butchering these classic tunes on purpose, like you think it's funny or something, let me urge you to see things merrily. If you think it's funny to slaughter every child's vision of sugar plum fairies by messing up carols ("jingle bells, batman smells," etc.), just remember that there are already many Christmas songs that are just asking to be made fun of, even by singing the right lyrics. If you want to make fun of classic holiday cheer, there are ways to do so with already-written songs, like those about large men seeing you when you're sleeping, knowing when you're awake, Jack Frost nipping at your nose and many more.

 

But if you're like most people, you are probably just singing them wrong because you really don't know how they go. This isn't hard to believe; some of them don't make much sense as it is. Case in point: "Field and fountain, moor and mountain." Are the oriental kings talking about traveling to see the nativity or SAT analogies?

 

To all of you, I want to express disappointment, but still good feelings and a wish of a Merry Christmas. I also want to give you all songbooks that have the right lyrics in them for Christmas this year. But I wont - that's why we have the Internet.

 

But do try and learn the right lyrics, and maybe next time you go out a-wassailing with your friends you won't spread more terrible ideas that for the 12 days of Christmas, your true love gave you geese a-layin' French men or red-and-green aliens in anything other than a pear tree.