HAVE YOU HEARD THE LATEST BUZZ?

By Truth or Derrick

 

WARNING: Don’t drink a lot of water before reading this column.

 

When people come to me and ask, “Truth or Derrick, are you a superhero?” I like to respond truthfully.

 

“No,” I tell them. “I am not a superhero. I am a journalist.”

 

One day, I was listlessly searching CA legislation, as all good journalists do on occasion, and I made a discovery.

 

I discovered that California Education Code Section 35292.5 states “the school shall keep all restrooms open during school hours when pupils are not in classes, and shall keep a sufficient number of restrooms open during school hours when pupils are in classes.”

 

My mind rushed triumphantly back to earlier that day. I had walked up to a bathroom only to discover a sign that said, “CLOSED DUE TO GRAFFITI.”…

 

My heart and another quart of fluid sank within me. Closed again? I thought. I ran as fast as I could, while still trying to prevent an explosion, to the other bathroom, across the campus. No use. It, too, was the victim of the infamous vandals.

 

My unpleasant incident made my mind race, so my ability to calculate how much time was left until the tardy bell was flushed. I panicked that I would be tardy.

 

How could such a terrible injustice occur? Something must be done! I thought wildly.

 

But my realization was suddenly stopped as I continued reading the legislation.

 

“Notwithstanding subdivision (a),” I read, “a school may temporarily close any restroom as necessary for pupil safety or as necessary to repair the facility.”

 

Slightly disappointed, but still ripping with journalistic impulse, I quickly began racking my brain.

 

Journalistic step #1: Define the problem.

 

Clearly, it’s a problem that the bathrooms on campus are never open and when they are, you’re supposed to be having a “bathroom emergency” (definition: “had an accident already”) to leave class to go.

 

Journalistic step #2: Think of solutions.

 

Rumor has it that a few desperate students have already come up with some desperate solutions, substituting the bathroom for a concealed corner of campus, but something tells me there’s a better solution than this one.

 

But I’m here to present to the world the official “Truth or Derrick’d” solution to this insane urinary problem of Bear Creek.

 

It is a simple solution, and it goes back to my childhood. That means it’s either good — or the kind that my family doesn’t want me to share.

 

When I was a child, I was not blessed with a nocturnal bladder.

 

Let me clarify: I remember vividly pondering the wonders of infinity in reference to the smallness of my bladder in the daytime. At night it was even worse. I suppose I was sort of like an enthusiastic puppy in many ways.

 

But I digress. The point is the doctor explained that my bedtime dilemma was in fact one that many young men share, and he presented to me the thing that would end up turning my life around, and shall indeed solve the problem at Bear Creek: The SLEEPDRY Program out of StarChild Labs.

 

The device is nothing more or less than your basic buzzing machine that clips to the patient’s Aladdin underpants. When dampened, the machine buzzes, jerking the slumbering child awake, theoretically training them to wake up when they need to.

 

Treatment was without a doubt brutal. Often I’d be in the middle of a really wonderful dream, the kind where I was swimming in a refreshing pool or drinking a fresh juice box, when the SLEEPDRY would violently ring, waking everyone in the neighborhood up, too. They were never happy about this.

 

Some readers might be asking, “Truth or Derrick, are you suggesting what we think you’re suggesting?” Well, readers, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting.

 

School district: please supply every student with a SLEEPDRY machine. We are having an emergency. You folks up top need to realize that when people need to use the restroom, the fact that it is “CLOSED DUE TO VANDALISM” isn’t going to matter much. If everyone were equipped with a SLEEPDRY, there would be noisily solid proof that the system is flawed, but the way I suggest the devices to be used is an even better idea…

 

(LODI, CA) Principal Truth or Derrick today turned Bear Creek into an education machine with the recent installations of strange new devices to stop vandalism from occurring during school hours.

 

The ultra-sensitive devices are clipped to the ceiling of the restrooms, where they can detect any moisture, including paint from spray-cans.

 

“When I’m faced with a really tough problem,” Derrick said, “I like to draw from experiences I had as a kid.”